I realized I haven't updated sense August. Lot has happened.

Let’s back track a little last year. We stopped TTC with a total of 11 IUI's by August and were told to move onto IVF. In August I was ready to be done with trying it I was completely consumed by it again. The letdown of it I just shut off again. So I deleted the baby websites, threw away my ovulation predictor kids, gosh only knows what the dogs did with the Preseed vial. Its non-toxic get over it. Who knows how they get what they do. I do put stuff away.

I quit my job in Oct and went to work as a Systems Administrator job for a local city. I started off contract for 6 months. I will be full time starting next month. I completely love this job less stressful. I have an amazing boss who happens to be a personal trainer. I started working out with her when I started. I had got to 213lbs. I have sense lost a good amount of weight (don’t know exactly but at least 2 sizes down). I am not a in charge of person; that was adjustment for me because I always had things my way and I was learning someone’s else's way. It turned out to be a great thing I learned so much from her. I think back and see how I could have done things different. I work 6 miles from the house. No traffic yah bitches! Bottom line I am finally doing and learning what I always have wanted too in my career. A great change all the way around. There is one butt face I there that I would like to back hand but there always has to be one right.

Sense the weight loss I have been going more "natural" "crunchy" as some would call it(Summer). We started to eat more organic with our meats and some veggies when I can afford them. Thanks to my sister-in law she inspired me to cook more at home and we hardly eat out. We do still eat some pizza (bad Nelly). I have been trying new recipes lately and I was juicing for a while. I try to cut out most Gluten except on pizza night. I can’t be 100% yet I am still learning and growing. I think that a lot of my weight gain has contributed to some of my infertility. I do feel a ton better. I do 2-3 15min work intervals a day. I do use YouTube as a source on what exercises to do at home. My boss will have ones for me at work. I have learned so much on various exercising, proper form, and herbs. I am going to include in my blog some of the recipes and workouts I have been doing. 

On the infertility front: Kind LONG sry.

I went to go and see a new RE in January sense Kaiser don't do IVF. Dr.S had a study going and you would just have to pay for meds. I was on the band wagon when I see this. I made the apt in Nov. I was so excited for this apt to see if we qualify for the study. Heck we can afford 2-3K vs 15K right? I got all my medical charts for her. We go in and get ready to pay for the visit $600 upfront for initial visit. I was told it was $400.  Jer looks over at me glaring (those eyes calling me a liar). We got to sit and he isn't very happy with me because we didn’t budget for that. We got in to see her and she looks at my AMH level and says nope you don't qualify. Your levels are very low for someone your age. Your levels are those of a 40 year old. Egg quality sucks. Even with IVF my chances are only less than 40% success rate. She did a follicle count and they are normal for only having one tube and two surgeries. She thinks I should repeat the AMH test. That was another $250 bucks I gawked. She said that I wouldn’t ever get pregnant on my own. I was so devastated I balled so hard on my way home. I tried to show no emotion in front of Jer. That lasted 10min he knows me too well. He was so sweet and supportive. I went in so excited and confident. I walked out feeling old, disappointed, and my journey to motherhood was over. I wasn't ready to hear my journey was over without IVF and even then still wasn't very high. Jer said we can do the IVF(no way can we afford it) and even if we could only a 40% and below chance for 15K I don't think so. We just dropped $600 bucks to be told um…sorry. My heartaches for woman who have gone through this and cant even afford to see an RE to get a 2^nd opinion. She couldn't understand why the Dr at Kaiser would have done this many IUI’s. RANT WARNING! I write/ramble how I feel because I am very guarded person and don’t really share my feelings. I put on a happy face and pretend we are fine. Im working on it ok. Writing helps me release it. Even though people show support they don't understand. You ladies have been there. No one knows how you feel until they have faced infertility. They don’t understand how it was to be 13 weeks along and do all these treatments only to have it ripped away from you; only to get pregnant a month later and feel such excitement and worry. I almost lose my life and I lost another baby. I have done a total of 11 IUI's have had 2 losses. Last year I think I had a miscarriage. I was at work and I felt cramping blood and tissue go everywhere. They weren't able to defiantly determine if it was or not. If I hear one more “just stop trying and it will happen” or “some people aren’t meant to have kids you can always adopt”; I was going to burst. There is a time for those comments just not at the moment you’re going through loss. You go month to month thinking “am I maybe?” “No, I am not” because you can handle the disappointment again of having the witch show up again. We had been at this game for 5 years and it all came to a head when Dr S told me what she had. It wasn’t her fault she was just giving me info but it still stung pretty deep. If people ask I let them know little info. Its saves questions and me having to give detailed explanations. Why do they care I don’t want to tell my story to someone who only cares about details? People should really care about the person and how they are doing emotionally and check in with them time to time. That is called true support not phony support. I know you infertility ladies know what I mean. Seeing other women just pop out babies like nothing and not appreciating what they have makes me ill. It seems as if everyone one around you is getting pregnant and it feels as if they are rubbing it in your face. You put on your happy face and say congrats. They aren’t but that is how it feels at times. Well this is how I felt all at once. I emotionally crashed and went on PMS rage for a few months. Poor Jer he said you need help I don’t know what got into you but I don’t want to be around you. I would just scream and call him names and was short about everything. I would lose my mind of the house wasn't a certain way or the dogs got in the living room. I was the definition of a MAD woman. I was also coming off my anxiety pills Im sure that didn't help. I wasn't ready to give up my goal of being a mom and I felt as if it was gone so what the hell. I felt old, gross, I deserved all I had been through.

My head started to spin and I had to get it together. I thought I am not ready to be done yet. I am done with conventional medicine. I have nothing but scar tissue and weight to show for that. There is a time and place for conventional meds but for me I ran too quickly to it.  What the heck IVF has really only been around sense I’ve been alive. Doctors aren't God's and I have no control over this journey. I needed to go back to basics. I started seeing an acupuncturist and getting on herbs. I had already started being a “crunchy” why not go a little more. Let me tell you about my 1^st visit. If you have read this far you can go a little further it won’t hurt.

Jane is her name. I was an hour late to my 1^st apt with her. Traffic was horrible and I was stressed to my limit. I was already on a rage I walk into her office and it was so calm. I worried about she thought of me. She did an energy cleanse I guess. I was able to go visually to a land I had blocked for a long time. I can’t explain this (please I’m not totally crazy) I could see my gram holding my babies hand the one I lost. His hand was so little and perfect. Gram was preparing me for my child here on earth. I had to ask my body for forgiveness and thank it for all it had done for me on this journey. I had let go of my control and was able to vision myself carrying this future child. I cried so hard (energy release my ass)it was more a let’s take 5 years of pain and melt it away in nose snot. I had no tissue was the worst part. You can’t get up because you have needles in your back. Thank goodness the massage table had a face cover that was somewhat like a tissue. Most of it went on her floor. That’s what she gets!  I went home and just slept. I haven’t had another Rage session sense. Light PMS yes. I still get a little anxious when my house is dirty or it’s not in an order (if you havent noticed Im a tad OCD) I’m not screaming at the dogs or Jer. So that is where I’m at eating organic, seeing a acupuncturist, taking herbs, and exercising.

What else……….my poor nephew was sick with pneumonia and 3 other viruses. He was in an induced coma and had fluid drained out of his lungs. He is better now but went through so much in the month of Feb. Aayliha(neita) had MRSA again and was in the hospital at the same time. She just turned two and is doing well now. My dad is back in jail. Please pray he gets his life together he may be looking at a long time for this jail stent. My mom’s cancer is pretty bad she goes for treatment out of state soon. They are going to saturate her liver in chemo and hope to kill the cancer. She has gone off the rocker and is drinking a ton and whatever else………I just pray she comes to her senses she needs to be there for her boys. They are just 11,9,6 and all of us are older now but we still need our mom. Total of 7 kids that’s a lot! Hmm…..we hope to get warmer weather so we can get the boat, atv’s, and camper going. The dogs are good. Princess just turned a year and is nuttier than ever. Her and Tuwa have eaten two pairs of my shoes. Princess loves anything paper and tracks it through the house. She gets all the dogs going when she hears something outside. They all go hauling ass outside barking. It sounds like a stamped. Betty brought in a dead bird last night and put it in the door way for me to check out. She brought me a dead mouse she caught she was so proud I was so mortified it was in my house and on my carpet. That has been it. Wait my sister in-law took me to Nordstrom and they measured me for a new bra. AMAZING!!! I got one that fits. My boobies went up and in that has made my month so far. Ok done. Pics to come.....